a blog about raising a daughter with cerebral palsy and learning unexpected lessons along the way

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

In Defense of a Thoughtless Comment

I was recently on Facebook when a friend messaged me. This friend was near and dear to me in college, but as life often does, it took ahold of us and pulled us in entirely different directions. Sadly, at this point in our lives, our only communication is via Facebook. We began our chat and one of the first things she asked me was if I was still teaching or staying at home. Anyone who really knows me, knows that I stay home now and why so the question made me a little curious. Clearly, she did not know a thing about Oia (though I'm sure I once mentioned our situation in an email long ago).

Anyways, I told her I spend my days at home caring for Oia and have been able to do so since shortly after her diagnosis and her reply was "I'm sorry". I feel like that is the typical, safe thing to say when one doesn't know what else to offer. I hate hearing "I'm sorry". I dove in and asked her if she even knew about Oia and she apologized for not knowing. That's when I told her Oia has cerebral palsy. As I've heard a thousand times before, she said something to the effect of how God knew we would be the perfect parents for this girl and how lucky she was to have us but I quickly assured her that Rob and I were the lucky ones in this situation.


That must have been all of the topic she could handle because what she messaged next shocked me.... and kinda hurt at the same time.

Completely changing the subject, she says "On to a more positive note...." at which time she turned the topic into something insignificant regarding music.

No curious questions. No inquires about progress, Oia's current health, etc. No nothing. Just changed the subject, and in doing so left me feeling no colder then than I do on this 20 degree winter day in Virginia.

I'm just like any other mom. I want to talk about my kid too. Although Oia's different by medical definition, she is something worth talking about. She is not a taboo subject that needs changing. She is the most "positive note" I have to share with anyone. Who else can speak very little yet has so eloquently communicated and taught me some of the most beautiful lessons I'll ever learn?

There's no need to feel sorry. There's no need to change the subject. Next time, have a heart, show some compassion, and ask about my girl. She works too hard to keep her triumphs a secret. You'd be amazed and you just might even leave our conversation on a more "positive note".

12 comments:

  1. The "I'm sorry" reactions always sting a bit for me. I'm still learning how to navigate conversations about Shelby and wish that I handled them better. I am sure both time and experience will help me with this. You did a good job in that facebook chat and I hate that your friend felt uncomfortable and that you were hurt by this. Oia looks so cute playing with the lights...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nicely stated! Go Mo! You and Oia are gems! Miss you all :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've had the same kind of comments from friends..even close friends. It's hurtful and so thoughtless. Some people are so short sighted.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ugh...I hate those conversations too. What I hate most is telling someone that has never MET Ben, that he has CP. Because they have this picture (that is incorrect) of him and they don't see his awesomeness. So I very rarely tell anyone who hasn't actually met him. It's just too awkward.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Very well put. You're always so good with words...too bad everyone can't be, right?
    Oia's so sweet like always

    ReplyDelete
  6. Gah. What on earth do you say to that? I've only had a one or two people sort of freak about Charlie's story, but strangely, those are people who are childless. I can only assume that they are simply unable to fathom a mother's love. Perhaps after they've had children of their own, they will realize that mothers adore their children--even if they aren't angelic perfect people because let's face it--most aren't.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Love the new pictures of Oia and especially loved the Christmas card this year. What a precious family you have. Your blog is often just the sermon I need to hear about love and compassion and joy and celebrating. You are a blessing to so many as are Rob and Oia. May God bless your holidays.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hate the "I'm sorry" answer, no matter what it is. It's feels like such a filler. You're not just like any other mom. You're awesome, but I may be bias.

    ReplyDelete
  9. ahhhh! Her comment really stung. I'm looking at Oia's photo and just thinking what an awesome girl she is, I just love her smile and determination and then I read that! Unbelievable. And pretty heartless, as if talking about Oia isn't a positive thing for you! boo.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I don't mind the "I'm sorry" because clearly in my situation this is not what I signed up for. But my situation is different and my kids have a fatal, progressive disorder. I would rather them say "I'm sorry" then not say anything at all and act as if nothing is going on. That being said-the "on to a more positive topic" is completely out of line!! I'm glad you called her out on it because I truly believe that people don't know what the appropriate thing is to say around "us" They have never been in our position and don't realize how little words thrown around can cause so much pain. There seem to be people in my life that get it and people that don't. Gradually the people that don't get it have fallen by the wayside.

    ReplyDelete
  11. 'In defense of thoughtless comments', most people do not have the understanding to respond in a way that does not produce a defensive response. Most people will not learn how to respond from a defensive response.

    I agree with Phyllis - those that don't get fall to the wayside. No matter what anyone says, Oia is no less because of their words. You get to decide if you want to continue this relationship. So does she. Your feelings matter in that decision. So do hers.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Came back to share this post:
    http://www.5minutesforspecialneeds.com/7128/coward/

    ReplyDelete